31 December 2015

Page 365 of 365: ALREADY?!


Hi there.

I know right, tomorrow is a new day in a new year. Who can believe that? I felt like it's just yesterday when I wrote this post here about my 2015 new year resolutions haha okay joking no way it could feel like yesterday. I admit it felt so recent like just few months ago but the fact is that it's been a total, whole 1 year!

Suddenly I feel like reviewing my 2015 OLD resolutions. Em let's see what I did achieve and what I did not. (oh by the way please remind me about my Shiseido experience, I plan to share it here in a greater detail compared to the one on Twitter)

I'd say I was not that successful for 1, 2, and 3. As for #1, I've had too much to always be patient. Sometimes people challenge us, our patience and  invite us into a fight but overall I'd say I did not really have any issue with anyone particular. At least I think so. 

For #2, I did not get to save as much as I did last year. Tbh I saved so much last year even though our monthly allowance then was just $1260 (now it's $1449). That was because I did not travel much or often last year and my house rent was just $456 per month whereas now it's $520 per month. Utilities can add up to about $80 monthly. So in average $600 is by default, gone, every time I receive that $1449. That hasn't included the transportation cost, i.e $1.66 per trip (one-way to uni) and doubles for return, hasn't included groceries, other necessities and random things that come up. Even so, I put away (hopefully can still continue this routine) $400 every month for saving. I don't shop a lot okay I mean I shop a lot sometimes but I always make sure they don't cost me a lot. Sometimes I had to 'steal' some money from my default $400 monthly saving to cover for that month's expenses. One reason for me saving less is TRAVEL. I travelled a lot (costed a lottttt) this year so I'd say most of my money went into travelling expenses but I don't regret anything about that. I love travelling especially to places like New Zealand (which I actually live in) where I can enjoy nature 24/7. I'll try share some photos of my travel later, or you can check them out in my instagram

Some travel photos of mine.

Hm #3, as I described in #2, money is an issue to me this year so I believe that kinda distorts my wish in #3 :( Please anyone make me richer next year or tomorrow, pleaseeee.

Haha talking about being fit and healthy.. I don't wanna comment on that but just so you know, I just bought a yoga mat last week on Boxing Day. What does that tell you? Ahaa yes correct I haven't been exercising before Boxing day or all this while since 1.1.2015. Bye.

#5 Yeeha I managed to do that! I talked with  lot more different people in 2015, I hung out with some random people that I was not even that close with so it's an achievement isn't it?

#6 Alhamdulillah this is my ultimate goal and I can safely say that I nailed it! 

I won't say I'm not proud of myself. I even made my parents proud, that's the best part. And the second best part was..


I hope I'll continue creating and achieving greater success in 2016 and in the future. Pray for me, will you? Thanks lovelies.

Okay, #7 and #8 were kinda a failure but #9, NUMBER NINE, was a huge success! I finally had the courage to face the reality, asked him straight, came clean and solved whatever that's unsolved. Now it's easier to let it go or forget the pain and memory but yeah probably not the person because I just had a dream about him last night LOL can you not?!

Almost the end... we're at #10 now. In terms of clothing and fashion choice, I think I made it because I have more feminine and ladylike clothes but in terms of character, em I can't tell. Those who live around me should know better.

Last but not least, #11. THAT.WAS.A.JOKE. Hahaha I didn't know that it was one tough work hahahahaha please forgive me y'all!

Till then, see you! Meantime, I'll think some new year resolutions if I have any. If you have anything to tell or ask me, I'm happy to answer. Oh! Let's play a game, you can tell or ask me anything and I must/ must not respond according to your request. Alright that's all!

13 October 2015

Page 286 of 365: Gets melancholic


You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
Before you

12 October 2015

Page 284 of 365: I don't (for 11th)


I may look like I care but in the actual fact, I don't. I hope people can not act like they are playing hard to get. I mean like, who are trying to get you anyway? Stop acting like someone is fishing your attention.

11 October 2015

Page 283 of 365: Messed up (for 10th)


Yesterday was an awful day. I felt awful all day. I stayed at home while the sun was majestic. I didn't feel bad for staying at home. I felt bad because it felt as if the neurones in my brain got tangled up. I planned to stay at home because I've spent a whole day outside the day before. Plus, I thought I should work on my assignment which is due this Monday.

I don't know what went wrong but yesterday was a waste. If I knew I couldn't focus, I would have gone out and cried my heart out. I just felt like screaming and wished things would be better.

They didn't.

Today I woke up and tried to feel more energetic and spirited. I did. By 12 pm, I managed to finish all the chores. Then I attempted to start with my assignment. Oh, wrong. This entry is about yesterday. I'll write a new one for today.


09 October 2015

Page 282 of 365: Shine bright like Wellington


I'm writing this from Cuba St. It's my third time here in 3 days straight. I do not know what I'm looking for at this place but this bench isn't like any other seats.

I had a sleepless night last night due to working on my assignment which is due 10 mins from now (5pm) but I've submitted it by lunch time today.

Tania came last night, but she spent last night at Salsabil. I worked on my assignment overnight so that I could finish early and got to see her today. I did.

I met her at my uni library and after submitting my assignment, we walked down to town and had lunch at Cinta. We then rushed to Botanic Garden and took many beautiful photos of the flowers (and ugly photos of us). We were there for less than an hour before Niena and Farzana fetched her.

I then took a bus to town again and randomly (because it's unplanned) made my way to the waterfront. The weather was great, and still is up to the moment I'm writing this. It's still cold, though, with clear skies.

There are so many people out in town now. The harbour was full of people, the streets are still busy, and here at this spot where I'm sitting, (let me count).. 31 people passed by in 1 minute.

I saw 4 familiar faces; they're some Malaysian girls. There's a violinist playing his tunes. I'm unsure if I should stay here any longer or should I go back home already. The night market is opening now, just like on any other Friday nights (5pm- 11pm).

I love this city. I feel peace living in it. I love the fact that I can always rely on nature to make me calm whenever wherever in Wellington. Wellington is nature. I live in nature. I need to go nowhere else.

My flatmate just called me. She asked if I wanna go shopping with her. I said yes, so I've got to go now. I'll edit and update this entry with photos that I took today.

P.s: still missing what doesn't miss me.

P.p.s: I didn't block anyone on Facebook or Twitter. I deactivated my accounts.

07 October 2015

Page 280 of 365: Emotional


I realize that I've been quite emotional this week for the reasons that I myself know not of.


There was a dove that fell into a bucket of black paint. She sank deep into the liquid. Her feathers were not waterproof hence they absorbed all the blackness that was there. This black paint apparently did not only change the colour of her feathers, but also her heart. The black dove now turned crude. She lost her self. She became a crow. She got confused of who she was.

One day, she wanted to regain her old self. She wanted to meet another bird who she thought would change her life. She waited for the bird in coldness. She sent a message in a bottle to let the other bird know that she was meeting him.

The other bird did not turn up. The black dove cried. Her tears washed away the blackness where the tears rolled down. The black dove was surprised. She realized that she would only gain her genteelness again once she got more sincere tears of love and sorrow to shower her.

She went home and wept. She collected her tears but this time, it did not wash the blackness away. She wondered why. Maybe she still needed the other bird to cry over her.

06 October 2015

Page 279 of 365: relieved and happy (EDITED)


These emotions in the title are not about the same issue. The former is about someone from the past and the latter is about someone in the present.

Firstly I am relieved that I have collected so much courage to ask and get the answer to my 6-year-old nightmare. For the whole time not knowing the reason, it's not easy for me to move forward. Of course I had let it go long time ago, but there's an unsettled issue that kinda kept holding me back and made it painful every time I turned my head around and looked back to 6 years ago. All in all, everything is done and gone now, I'm relieved because I need to wonder no more.

Secondly, I am wide awake at this hour because I just had a dream of you again. Happy? Maybe. You keep appearing in my dreams. Does it mean I can safely say "you're my dream" because you literally are in my dreams. It's only yesterday that I didn't dream of you-- I dreamed of him from 6 years ago instead (so that's why I settled things between us). But you, hey what are you doing? Why are you only in my dreams. Does this sort of mean that your place is only in my sweet dreams and not in my reality? Ahhhh probably because it's just me who's dreaming of you. Plus a dream can mean nothing. Probably I should stop imagining that this is not one-sided.


I should stop overthinking. Perhaps all that I think is nothing, and means nothing.

05 October 2015

Day 278 of 365: Contemplating life


I am somehow sometimes disturbed by my ever-changing decisions. Isn't it ironic? Kinda an oxymoron when you put decisions next to ever-changing. Well someone told me 6 years ago, time has a way of changing things. Probably my version of time changes things too quickly.

Who is not tired of fighting his own heart? (His there is a neuter pronoun for indefinite third person singular pronoun-- so it does not necessarily refer to a man. It can refer to an undefined person.)

One moment I am firm, confident and at peace. That's when my mind and my heart agree with each other. The next moment, I am vulnerable, indecisive and scared. That's when my mind and my heart try to convince me but their arguments are conflicting.

It's hard you know. The situation stops you from functioning optimally. Whatever you're doing, the battle occurs inside of you. Sometimes your mouth is just tired of being the middle person between your heart and your brain. That's why, sometimes the mouth suggests you say everything you want to say. Let it all out, for once!

But again, whose order would the mouth follow? Heart tells yes, brain tells no.

Can I just split myself into two? I've been doing well keeping the battle under control. I've been avoiding damages that I could cause if I followed my heart entirely, and if I followed my brain entirely. I've been taking points from both heart and brain. I do a bit of following the heart and following the brain. That's when subtle signs are given.

The heart says: express yourself.
The brain says: keep it to yourself.

So I expressed myself a little and kept it to myself a little. I brought out my feelings and I reserved a little for myself. It's like you want people to know but you don't want to tell them.

And then you're breaking inside because you are afraid you lose the chance to choose your own happiness while considering other people's happiness. And you're breaking inside because you are dying to follow your heart but then your heart itself isn't that determined.

04 October 2015

Lost count: Are you reading?


Hi, are you reading this?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone reads my blog. But the statistics said yes there are people reading. I don't mind about others but you. Are you reading this? Tell me if you do. Tell me if you read my blog. Tell me if you're concerned and interested in what I have to say.

I dreamed of someone last night. This person has been living in my dreams for quite a while. I don't know if this person means too much to me that he/she keeps making an appearance in my sleep and if this person does, do I mean so much to this person too?

Isn't life hard? Isn't making decisions hard? Isn't being truthful to yourself and your feelings hard? Isn't expressing your feelings hard? Isn't keeping things inside hard? Isn't wondering about other people's feelings hard? Isn't moving on when you haven't even had anything hard?

18 September 2015

Day 261 of 365: Almost


I almost wrote on this blog yesterday.
I almost poured out what I've been feeling.
I almost told what I've been keeping from you.
If I had written it yesterday, you must have already known,
by now.

Timing is key.
I definitely almost said it.
It'd be completely different now if I had posted it here.

Well maybe it's not meant to be--
Like you're not meant to know.
Probably I should just bury these feelings.

12 July 2015

Page 193 of 365: Back!


I am on my holiday, just a brief one. I've spent 5 weeks in Malaysia and there's another week to go. I'll be back to Wellington on 21st of July. I'm departing from KL on day 3 of raya.

Well my classes begin tomorrow but I'm skipping the first week because I really need to spend my raya in Malaysia this time as my siblings are all around unlike the previous years where everyone was scattered on Earth.

We plan to have a decent and actual raya photo this time. We'll also be having raya gathering on my Abah's side on the first day of raya. Oh I can't wait. Gathering= lots of food! How can I not miss rendang, oh!

By the way, a few days ago I received an email from my university and they congratulated me on my achievement in the last semester.

I definitely was happy but am also afraid. This coming semester is gonna be tough for me because I had to select courses (we call subjects as courses in New Zealand) that I don't really like. That's because there's no more Linguistics paper that I could take. Well let's hope that I'd ace this semester too! I have two more semesters to go and I'm scaredddd. I'm afraid to imagine my life after studies.

18 March 2015

Day 77: Affected


Why am I so affected. Everything be like, choose this week to turn my life upside down. Crying in public isn't something that I am happy about doing. But I just can't hold it anymore. People do not know.. they just don't. Well, let's hope these swollen eyes would turn normal before the next class.

Some people just do not know how much effort we put into something.

20 February 2015

Day 51 of 365: Brought to Makkah again


After a year, I was here again in Makkah. It's just that, I felt weird because there were not so many people in the mosque. Probably it's not a peak time. I can't recall who I was with. Seemed like friends but I don't know who.

If only it's true. If only I was really there, not just in the dream.

Probably He's sending me a message. Probably I've been forgetting Him lately. Probably He's reminding me. Because He knows that I'd do anything to be there again. Because He knows I'm so attached to the two Holy Lands. Probably He's telling me to do good deeds, avoid bad ones and keep repenting so that He'd take me to Saudi Arabia again.

I love His reminder. He's the Most Merciful. He teaches me in my sleep. He didn't do it the hard way. Probably because I'm that type who learns better with slow talks, not otherwise.

Allah, make me strong. Make it easy for me to be close to You. Make it hard for me to be distant from You. Forgive my wrongdoings, my sins, purify my heart and please let me be Your guest again. I'm missing al-Haramain so much.

08 February 2015

Page 38 of 365: 365 days ago


"Baik-baik jalan, jumpa lagi"

Jeddah International Airport, local time about 4pm.

02 February 2015

Page 33 or 365: Plan ahead


This is what I have in mind. I want to do everything while I am young. If only I didn't need to work with MARA, I might migrate earlier than this. But I don't mind. Working with MARA is important too. Firstly, MARA sponsors my studies abroad. Secondly, I need to collect some money for the plan within the first time gap. Thirdly, I need working experience before I can work in the Middle East.

I pray that this life plan is blessed and granted. I have my own reasons why do I choose the Arab world or the Middle East. Another thing! I was having a hard time deciding on the number of years should I stay there. 3 is nice because I don't have to be away from home for so long. But, 5 years is more ideal if I want to quit working and be a full time housewife after 2026.

What do you think? Did I miss anything?

28 January 2015

Umrah Part 4: The Serene City of Madinah


Kalau perasan, bahagian satu dan dua, entri ditulis dalam Bahasa Inggeris dan kemudian dalam bahagian 3, Bahasa Melayu pulak digunakan. Saya tukar bahasa penyampaian saya disebabkan faktor pembaca. Berdasarkan statistik, rata-rata pembaca entri umrah di sini adalah golongan yang lebih dewasa, mereka yang telah atau merancang untuk pergi dan semestinya Bahasa Ibunda lebih mesra pengguna.

Erk, penulisan blog saya dah macam website kerajaan pulak. Alright, let me start where I stopped. This entry might be a mixture of English and Malay because certain things are better said in a certain language. Of course, I love you is a lot better than saya cintakan awak. 


I left to the Haramain, bringing along someone's wish. So, I planned to convey this person's intention to my parents, anytime during the umrah. Yes, I was happy with the wish. I was finding a perfect time to do that.


Azan subuh pertama di Madinah (sejam sebelum masuk waktu) berkumandang. Kami bergegas meninggalkan hotel dan berjalan kaki ke Masjid Nabi sollallahu alaihi wasallam. Teruja. Terasa sayu ketika setiap langkah diiringi seruan azan yang mendayu-dayu dan disambut dingin oleh bayu kota cahaya Madinah. Setiap langkah kaki adalah langkah menuju mendekati jasad Rasulullah. Orang ramai bersesak, namun masih nyaman.

Melangkah masuk ke dalam masjid, mashaAllah. Indahnya binaan manusia, namun lebih indah lagi suasana itu kerana berkongsi masjid dengan ratusan ribu saudara seagama dan berada di bawah bumbung yang sama dengan baginda SAW. Kedatangan kami agak lewat mengakibatkan kawasan saf solat di dalam Masjid sudah agak padat. Akhirnya kami duduk di barisan terakhir, membelakangkan dan berdindingkan tong air zam-zam. Duduk kami tidaklah aman-aman aja. Jemaah (kebanyakannya dari Asia Barat dan Asia Selatan) suka main redah. Tidak kira orang duduk mahupun diri, sujud mahupun rukuk, mereka langgar je. Kepala dilangkah ketika sujud bukanlah sesuatu yang mengejutkan di tanah suci. Apa yang penting, sabar.

The very first photo of Madinah that I captured. It's before/ after the first subuh prayer here. 

Hari-hari di Madinah diteruskan dengan agenda utama: menziarahi Nabi Muhammad SAW. Hari pertama, selepas sarapan pagi, jemaah dikumpulkan dan dibawa untuk ziarah dalam. Ziarah dalam adalah ziarah sekitar Masjid Nabawi (Raudhah, makam Nabi dan sahabat, serta perkuburan Baqi). Sepanjang di sana, saya jarang-jarang mengeluarkan handphone apatah lagi mengambil gambar. Maybe because there were too many people, so it was very packed and I didn't think about taking photos that much. Plus, we're advised and told to make full of our time here because the invitation to come to Madinah and Makkah doesn't come often. Penuhilah masa dengan beribadah, mengingati Allah, berselawat dan berdoa. Kebiasannya gambar-gambar diambil apabila sudah ingin meninggalkan masjid.

Day 1: menunggu giliran untuk masuk ke taman syurga, Raudhah.

Peluang untuk berada di Raudhah tidak harus disia-siakan. Are we so sure that we'd be in the heaven afterlife? So the opportunity to be in Raudhah and visit Rasulullah must be taken seriously. Orang sangat ramai, berasak-asak, bertolak-tolak. Saya yang sememangnya tidak cukup ketinggian ni selalu ended up di celahan ketiak warga Turki. Saya tidak mampu melangkah. Manusia hanya merempuh beramai-ramai, yang belakang tolak yang depan, yang depan tertolak yang lagi depan. Begitulah dugaan dan gambaran sikap sebenarnya umat Islam..sedangkan kita sedang menziarahi baginda SAW. Saya berkesempatan masuk ke Raudhah sebanyak 2 kali dan kedua-dua waktu itu saya disepit, diseret, diheret sehingga tiba di kawasan karpet hijau- menandakan sempadan kawasan yang dinamakan Raudhah itu.

Ketika lawatan ke Raudhah yang kedua, there's something happened that I'd never forget. I was so moved. It touched my heart, it taught me a lot of things. I mean, HE TAUGHT ME. Of course, every incident was written by Him. Saya bersama Mak, Mak Timah dan Chulan berempat merancang ke Raudhah dan kebetulan memang ada sesi melawat Raudhah setiap kali selepas isyak. Jemaah di Masjid Nabawi dibahagikan mengikut region dengan cara: pekerja masjid mengangkat banner tertulis "Melayu" bagi mengumpulkan jemaah dari nusantara dan banner lain untuk menghimpunkan bangsa lain pula. Terus terang saya katakan, sepanjang di sana, saya lihat bangsa Melayu adalah yang paling beradab, paling berdisiplin dan paling sopan akhlaknya.

Baik. Perjalanan ke Raudhah mengambil masa yang lama kerana menunggu giliran. Iyalah, jemaah yang ada sudah beratus ribu, Raudhah itu pula tidak sebesar mana. Hanya kasih sayang dan rahmat Allah yang mampu menjadikan impian ke Raudhah itu suatu kenyataan. Setibanya kami berdekatan Raudhah (10 meter mungkin), saya terpisah dari Mak, Mak Timah dan Chulan. Saya yang kecil (*batuk kecil*) teruskan usaha melangkah untuk maju ke depan. Disebabkan pegangan tangan saya dan Mak sudah terpisah, saya fikir ada baiknya saya teruskan sahaja berjalan ke depan kerana Raudhah sudah begitu hampir, makam Rasulullah sudah tidak jauh.

Random picture
Saya silap. Jarak sememangnya hampir, tetapi waktunya masih jauh. Takdir masa untuk saya memijak kawasan Raudhah tidak sehampir jarak yang dilihat. Saya separuh nyawa dihimpit dan amat sukar bernafas. I was gasping for air because everyone around me was big and tall. I felt like a dwarf for a moment there. Saya hanya mampu memohon supaya saya selamat dan dapat ke Raudhah. Saya menangis meminta supaya Allah kasihankan saya dan izinkan saya menemui Rasulullah. Saya mulai sebak. Saya merasakan diri saya belum cukup suci untuk menjadi tetamu baginda. Sepanjang berhempas pulas di celahan manusia, saya sentiasa panjatkan doa dan memohon ampun. Kaki saya sudah tidak jejak di lantai. Saya cuma terapung, kadang kala sahaja ibu jari kaki dapat merasa lantai. Sebelah tangan memegang tudung supaya tidak tertanggal. Sebelah tangan lagi saya jadikan benteng hadapan supaya dada saya tidak dihimpit. Saya risau sekiranya tidak boleh bernafas dan sentiasa cuba memastikan kepala saya lebih tinggi dari bahu mereka yang lain. Allah, kerdil sungguh rasanya. Saya menangis dan merintih, tidak henti berdoa supaya selamat tiba di Raudhah meskipun Raudhah sudah dekat. Tengok peta di bawah.

Saya terpisah daripada Mak sekitar kawasan bertanda K1. Raudhah pula adalah kawasan berwarna hijau. Makam Rasulullah yang bertanda 1, makam Saidina Abu Bakr bertanda 2 dan makam Saidina Umar bertanda 3. Garisan merah merupakan sempadan dinding yang memagari makam-makam ini. Garisa biru putus-putus adalah sempadan pemisan kawasan muslimin dan muslimat. Arah qiblat adalah seperti ditandakan.

Di saat saya 'hanyut' dibawa ombak manusia, akhirnya saya tiba di destinasi saya. Raudhah. Saya dibawa arus sehingga 'terdampar' di sebelah garisan merah, berhampiran titik bernombor 16. This is the closest possible spot a woman can be to the prophet. It's the first saf of women area, the most left towards the tombs. I cried. I was humbled. When I was that hopeless, He brought me as near as possible to Rasulullah. But, the test was not ended yet. It's just about to begin. I stood there, for like 10 minutes, waiting for a woman in front of me to move. She's been there for so long (note: 5 minutes are already too long). She prayed and prayed, one after another. It's understandable..yes everyone wants to pray in Raudhah but we have to be tolerant towards others when it comes to taking turn in Raudhah, Hijr Ismail, Hajr Aswad etc. Everyone kept pushing each other and my tears just couldn't stop. People around me pushed the woman a bit to the side so that there's a room for me to have my solat sunat.

All praises be to Him. I then performed my solat. I thought the scene was over once I got to pray but no. I had to wait for that woman to move. Lepas orang lain suruh dia beralih supaya saya dapat solat tadi, dia cuma berganjak sikit je. Bila saya mula solat, dia masih di situ jugak- berdoa berwirid. Saya tidak dapat rukuk. Saya tunggu lama untuk dapat rukuk. Setelah iktidal, saya terpaksa tunggu lagi for about 10 minutes lagi untuk sujud. Itu pun lepas orang ramai keliling saya paksa wanita tadi ke tepi sebab saya nak sujud. Saya tak boleh sujud. Setelah dia beganjak sedikit, saya pun turun untuk sujud tetapi sujud saya tidak sempurna, keadaan sangat sesak dan sempit. Hanya lutut mampu menyentuh lantai, selang beberapa ketika, tapak tangan pula menekap lantai. Tunduk. Kepala saya masih sangkut, tiada ruang untuk saya bersujud. Saya menangis teresak-esak, hanya Allah yang boleh mengizinkan saya sujud di Raudhah ini. Selang 5-10 minit, setelah saya bersungguh-sungguh memohon dan orang sekeliling memaksa orang di kiri kanan saya ke tepi untuk beri ruang pada saya, sujud saya akhirnya sempurna. Terasa amat besar nikmat sujud itu. Apabila nikmat ruang ditarik untuk saya bersujud, barulah saya faham erti nikmat sebuah sujud. Mungkin Dia memang mahu saya meminta dan berdoa sebab selepas saya sujud, saya tidak mampu untuk bangun. Orang melangkah, berjalan melintasi kepala saya. Seperti biasa, saya terpaksa menunggu untuk melaksanakan rukun solat. Itu antara pengalaman berharga dan paling saya ingat di Madinah. Di Raudhah, saya memperbanyakkan berdoa, including about making it easy for me to convey the message to my parents IF; that's the best decision. If it's not, then make it obvious to me that it's not the best thing to happen yet. 

On my way out after Raudhah.

My mother. It's her second umrah.
Selain ziarah dalam, kami juga diprogramkan untuk ziarah luar yang mana destinasinya adalah seperti Masjid Quba' iaitu masjid pertama dibina oleh Rasulullah, Masjid Qibalatain, Jabal Uhud dan ladang kurma. Pada hari untuk ziarah luar ini, abah dan kumpulan bilik abah (Chik, Pak Hasim & Pak Akob) lesap. Kumpulan kami (satu bas) dah tunggu lama sejak lepas sarapan tapi Abah tak dapat dihubungi (tak angkat!). Akhirnya mutawif buat keputusan untuk jalan je tinggalkan Abah and the gang sebab they couldn't wait! The bus driver...biasalah Pak Arab. Mana boleh nak sabar sikit. But then bila dah sampai destinasi pertama, Masjid Quba', Abah berjaya dihubungi dan dia buat keputusan untuk ambil teksi menghala ke Masjid Quba' bersama yang lagi tiga tadi. Kami bertemu di Masjid Quba'.

Kumpulan umrah dibahagi mengikut tarikh dan syarikat penerbangan. Kami yang satu bas adalah kumpulan yang terbang bersama dari KLIA. 

Dalam perjalanan ke Masjid Quba', tidak jauh dari Masjid Nabawi. Tapi taklah dekat sampai boleh nak jalan kaki.

Pandangan luar masjid yang dibina atas dasar taqwa. Masjid Quba'.

Saya berlatarbelakangkan Bukit Uhud yang menjadi saksi peperangan Uhud dan pemergian para syuhada'. Abaikan jubah singkat itu -__- Beli murah, macam tu lah. SR15 tak silap saya, lebih kurang RM14. Bukan senang nak tengok saya berselipar.

Kami di kawasan perkuburan para syuhada' Uhud. Sayu mengenangkan mereka yang telah berjasa demi menyampaikan dan meluaskan ajaran Islam sehingga tiba pada kita hari ini. Kawasan dipagarkan untuk mengelakkan upacara khurafat dan syirik.

Indah. Saya memang sukakan pemandangan yang tandus, kering, coklat, bergurun. I like views like this. Rindu..

Selekeh tak perlu dipertikaikan lagi. Iyalah, tiada masa untuk banyak berfikir untuk benda lain. Bergambar di atas Bukit Memanah, ingat lagi arahan Rasulullah kepada pasukan tentera Islam? Ya, agar mereka tidak berganjak dari bukit ini.

Ketika menuju ke Masjid Nabawi buat maghrib yang terakhir dalam pemergian kali ini. Semoga ia bukan yang terakhir dalam hidup ini.

Mak Timah (kakak kepada Abah), Emak dan Chulan selepas ziarah wida'. Ziarah terakhir sebelum meninggalkan kota Madinah keesokannya.

Keindahan dan keheningan kota ini tiada tandingannya. Walaupun saya belajar di New Zealand, negara yang terkenal dengan keindahan alam semulajadinya, perasaan berada di Madinah jauh, jauh, dan jaaaaaauhh lebih damai.

Penziarah lain di pekarangan Masjid Nabawi.

Di bawah kubah hijau itu letaknya jasad penghulu segala nabi.

Petang terakhir di Madinah. Perasaan sedih, hiba, berat hati, rindu menyelubungi. Tidak sanggup mengenangkan itu merupakan kali terakhir untuk menziarahi Rasulullah bagi umrah kali ini. Siapakah yang mampu menahan air mata di saat ingin berpisah daripada kekasih Allah?

Nasib baik cermin mata gelap sedikit, dapatlah menutup sisa-sisa tangisan :')

Ya Allah. Jangan engkau jadikan ini pemandangan terakhir Masjid Nabawi bagiku. Gambar ini diambil di saat bas mula meninggalkan kota suci Madinah menuju ke Kota Makkah.

Dengan berat hati meninggalkan kota Madinah kecintaan Nabi Muhammad, saya dan jemaah lain pastinya harus terus memandang ke hadapan. Makkah menanti kami, baitullah menunggu kami, Kaabah melambai-lambai. Kami bersedia untuk berniat umrah dan berada di dalam ihram. Hati masih menangis mengenangkan Madinah yang ditinggalkan sambil lidah menuturkan lafaz talbiah.

Makkah, aku menujumu. Saya akan sambung penulisan ini dengan pengalaman di Makkah, perkembangan 'intention' tersebut dan kejadian-kejadian yang saya kira amat bermakna dalam hidup saya.

P.s: Pada saat ini 365 hari yang lalu, aku diselubungi pelbagai perasaan. Lagi 6 jam untuk meninggalkan rumah. Begitu cepat masa berlalu...

27 January 2015

Page 27 of 365: Promising is one thing, keeping it is another.


Well I thought I could handle this. I thought I could write an entry a day. Well I fail as early as in the first month *cries*.


I am not disappointed with myself. I know that I've been busy taking care of my dad, been busy altering all the jubahs and dresses that I bought during my time in Malaysia. Well.. I did some calculation and apparently I've spent more than RM1000 for clothing *cries harder*. I can't believe myself. RM1000 isn't a small amount, at least for me. I was not this type. I hardly shopped when I was < 20 years old.

I conclude that this 'therapy' comes into my life as I have earned my own money. If I were to use my parents' money and buy clothes, I bet it wouldn't be easy to exceed even a hundred (just because I am a good girl, not wanting to burden my parents).

Hey, it's been 365 days. Tomorrow is the date when I departed for umrah. I wish to finish writing about my umrah but I am just helpless. I can't remember everything, I remember a little, here and there and I find it hard to compile them into one and in sequence. I miss you.

20 January 2015

Page 19 of 365: What?


Lol. Online sellers are so honoured these days that when they lie, we're blamed for fighting for our rights.

15 January 2015

Page 14 of 365: Haji Backpacker


So today I finished watching above mentioned film. It was good but not as good as Ketika Cinta Bertasbih, or 99 Cahaya di Langit Eropa.

I loved it though. I liked it how Mada was tested and challenged in terms of his patience, determination and faith. The tests are indeed to elevate our status as a mukmin. I first knew about the film in about June or July 2014, when the screening was not even there yet. It was aired during Eidul Adha in October if I was not mistaken. So after months of waiting, I finally got to see it.

My main interest was about the journey to Mecca. I was missing the Holy Lands so I bet this film would rekindle the longing for the lands.

Speaking of longing..
I just saw photos of Egypt (I like the name Mesir better). I saw a lot of travel promotions. I don't know why. I have always had this feeling for Mesir. By just saying its name.. MESIR.. I'd get goosebumps! Probably it's the history. Probably it's the scenery. Probably it's the culture. Probably it's the environment. Have I told that I love the typical look of an Arab land? I love imagining palm trees, brownish buildings made up of clays and sands, deserts and camels, people in robes.. I don't know. I think it has some sentimental values. Well I know yeah.. Egyptians may not dress as I imagine them to dress, but Mesir still (to me) keeps and reflects its early civilisation. Its soil seems old. Its trees seem old. Its rivers seem tired of running.

I wish I could go to Mesir and experience it myself. I know. Many people had told me.. That the Arab people especially in Mesir are TERRIBLE. But hey, it's not like I'm going to spend my life with them forever :) I just want to taste the air of Mesir.


14 January 2015

Page 13 of 365: Crushed


It's the result from yesterday's chaos. A scene that I caused. So today was spent wiping and cleaning soot. Not enough with that, I broke another thing. Does bad luck really exist? Why is that that I am always haunted by accidents?

To think of it again, I regret that the door was broken. Yes smashed by my heel. I lost control. No no, it's not that I was demonstrating any violence. The door was locked from the inside. So I was locked out.

13 January 2015

Page 12 of 365: No doubt


She's a burden. She brings bad luck. She's unwelcomed. She's troublesome. She's a mess. She creates so much trouble. She realises that. 

She's just helpless. 

P.s: some pages were missing.

07 January 2015

Page 6 of 365: Feeling Unwell


Today, my body was reacting weirdly. I had headache on the right side of my head. My abdomen felt stretched. Basically everything on the right side of my body was hurt.

That's about the physical.

My mind, my soul.. they're suffering. I wish I were stronger. I wish I were more steadfast. May I be more istiqamah in doing good deeds. I need your prayer. I wish I won't give up easily.. Never lose hope of Allah's mercy. I sinned a lot, well every servant of Him does sin. We keep doing sins.

I miss how I was feeling when I just got back from Makkah. I just need a little booster. I need that strength. I want to be better than who I was yesterday.

Footnote: Have your heart ever battled with your thought? It's like HATI vs AKAL. Your heart wants A but your brain says B.

P.s: A year seems like not enough. Do I need more years to get over it?

06 January 2015

Page 5 of 365: Tailor


So our favourite tailor has moved back to JB. She lived in Taman Universiti previously before she and her family moved to Melaka for a few years. Now they are back in JB yay!

So I had lunch with Mak and Abah somewhere in Taman Pulai Utama and then headed to this tailor's house. Next, I went to Maybank to solve my issue. My account was blocked when I was asked a challenge question when I was trying to pay someone. Apparently I answered the security question wrongly so my account was blocked :(

But then when I spoke to the officer at the bank, she said, all I need to do was phone the customer care line and yes I did, within 5 minutes, my account has been unblocked. I paid a girl who sold an abaya. God, I ABAYA so much. Especially black in colour. Black abayas just look right!

So up till today (throughout this break), I have bought 3 new abayas and 3 dresses :/ Well 2 of the dresses are RinaSalleh's and might be for the Aidilfitri so there are only 4 new ones for casual wear. However, I am so so so tired scrolling #sayajualjubah #sayajualabaya on Instagram just to see people abusing the hashtags and I came to realise that, today, dress is jubah is abaya. NO. To me they ARE different. Dress is usually more fancy, has a certain cutting. Jubah is much like dress except that it has no shape or at least, not that shape-ish. It is much more loose. Abaya, from what I understand is the outer garment that ladies wear on top of other outfit. Abaya must be black (for me lah). Abaya is also very loose at it is meant to be worn after you wear your usual t-shirts or blouses or whatever. Abaya should be non see-through.

Well... that's my opinion and I am not a fashion designer or whatever. I just don't really like to see the name of abaya being misused and mislabelled.

05 January 2015

Page 4 of 365: Delayed!


I spent a day at the wallpaper store with my sister and brother in law. That's all and oh! I changed my wallpaper design :D

04 January 2015

Umrah Part 3: Arrival in Jeddah and Road to Madinah


Click here for part 1 (preparation) and here for part 2 (departure).

Setelah 9 jam menaiki pesawat Saudi Arabia Airlines, kami mendarat di Jeddah kira-kira jam 7.30 malam. Di sana, kami turun secara berkumpulan dan menuju ke kaunter imigresen untuk pengesahan masuk ke Arab Saudi. Jemaah beratur mengikut mahram masing-masing kerana visa umrah yang dikeluarkan kepada wanita di bawah usia (45 tahun) adalah diproses bersama mahramnya. Proses di sini tidak begitu lama kerana kami datang berkumpulan dan mutawif dah 'bayar' pegawai untuk memudahkan urusan kami. Oh ya nama mutawif (pembimbing umrah) kami adalah Ustaz Azim Ali.
Selesai imigresen, ramai jemaah meluru ke tandas tetapi pengawal di situ marah sesiapa yang menunggu rakan atau keluarga di luar tandas kerana bagi mereka, penunggu-penunggu ini mengganggu lalu lintas. Namun alhamdulillah, meskipun semua orang di situ dihalau untuk terus berjalan ke hadapan, saya tidak pula disuruh berganjak. Saya kekal menunggu Mak, Mak Timah dan Chulan di luar tandas.

Selesai di tandas, kami menuju ke kawasan menuntut bagasi. Saya tak berapa ingat tapi rasanya cukup lama menantikan beg semua orang untuk muncul. Ini merupakan dugaan pertama buat kami. Masing-masing sudah mula hendak naik angin. Tidak cukup dengan itu, beg tarik Mak akhirnya menampakkan diri tetapi dalam keadaan cacat! 'Handle' penarik beg tu dah patah dan beg tak boleh ditarik langsung. Oh besar dugaannya. Beg bukan ringan ya.

Seterusnya kami keluar ke balai ketibaan dan pada masa ini, ahli kumpulan dah pun berpecah. Kami hanya tinggal berlapan serombongan. Tiada orang lain selain kami. Kira-kira 10 minit tercari-cari, ditambah dengan guard Arab yang sibuk asik suruh jalan (padahal kami di luar pagar, lengang, tiada orang lalu langsung) akhirnya kami pun akur dan terus berjalan. Kami tidak tahu pun ke mana arah yang kami pergi. Sekadar mundar mandir dan berjalan, akhirnya kami terlihat ahli kumpulan SV28 kami berdekatan dengan bas. Lega rasa hati dan terus kami menuju ke situ.

Semasa di dalam bas sebelum bas bergerak, ada Pak Arab naik ke atas dan menjual sim card kepada jemaah. Kami beli dengan SR40 sekeping untuk kami bertiga: Abah, Mak dan saya. Setelah itu, bas bergerak menuju ke Madinah. Ya Allah, perasaan saya masih bercampur-campur. Saya tidak tahu apa yang perlu saya rasakan. Kedinginan di dalam bas menambahkan perasaan tidak aman tersebut.

Seperti diberitahu oleh mutawif, kami akan berhenti solat jamak ta'khir di pertengahan jalan. Sementara itu kami turut diberikan makanan di dalam bas. Saya tidak ingat lokasi di mana kami berhenti tetapi kawasannya tidaklah sesempurna hentian di lebuhraya di Malaysia. Kami berhenti solat, mencari tandas dan sesudah itu kebanyakan jemaah mula menjamah hidangan makan malam berupa ayam penyet masakan Indonesia.

Saya tidak makan. Terasa tidak berselera. Saya hanya tidur di dalam bas dan fikir untuk makan setibanya di hotel Mubarak Silver, Madinah. Dingin. Itu satu-satunya yang saya masih ingat mengenai perjalanan menuju ke Madinah kerana perjalanan tersebut berlaku di dalam kepekatan malam.

Peta Arab Saudi.

Perjalanan dari Jeddah menuju ke Madinah mengambil masa kira-kira 6-7 jam. Kali pertama saya melihat Madinah dengan mata sendiri adalah ketika Mak mengejutkan saya dari tidur semasa bas mulai mendekati kawasan hotel. (Hotel adalah kira-kira 150 meter dari masjid).

"Adik, bangun. Adik, tengok Masjid Nabi dah nampak. Kita dah sampai Madinah".

Dada terasa lemah. Berderau. Menyedari hakikat bahawa saya sudah tiba di tanah haram Madinah yang menempatkan jasad Rasulullah, perlahan-lahan saya bangun dari ribaan Mak. MashaAllah. Subhanallah. Mulut hanya terdaya untuk senyum-- terharu. Air mata terus menitis. Bersyukur diberi peluang dan jemputan. Berbeza sungguh perasaan itu! Kalau anda baca pengalaman saya dari Part 1, tentunya tahu betapa bercampur baurnya perasaan saya. Tetapi tidak lagi, sejurus terlihatkan cahaya yang memancar dari Masjid Nabawi. Saya bingkas bangun, mengucapkan syukur dan tidah henti-henti memandang Masjid Nabawi sehinggalah hilang dari pandangan tatkala bas menyelinap ke celahan bangunan hotel.

"Assalamualaikum para tetamu Allah dan penziarah Rasulullah salallahu alaihi wasallam..."

Mutawif memulakan bicara. Ustaz mengumumkan ketibaan kami di tanah haram Madinah dan mengarahkan kami menuju ke hotel. Bagasi diangkat oleh pekerja hotel dan kami menunggu di lobi untuk mendapatkan kunci bilik dan beg. Allah.. Hati berbunga-bunga walaupun dalam keadaan letih dan mengantuk disebabkan perjalanan yang panjang dari Johor Bahru-Kuala Lumpur-Jeddah-Madinah. Hampir atau lebih 24 jam.

Disebabkan kami adalah berlapan, 4 lelaki dan 4 perempuan, kami dapat berkongsi bilik sesama sendiri. Setelah mendapat kunci, kami menuju ke bilik dan berbaring untuk seketika. Jam pada waktu itu adalah kira-kira pukul 3 pagi. 2 jam sebelum azan. Di sini, azan Subuh dilaungkan 2 kali iaitu sekali: sejam sebelum masuk waktu dan sekali semasa masuk waktu. Kami tidak tidur, sekadar bersandar sementara menunggu giliran ke tandas sambil-sambil mengemas beg dan menyediakan pakaian untuk ke masjid pagi itu.

Kisah seterusnya akan saya tulis dalam bahagian keempat siri Umrah ini inshaAllah.

Page 3 of 365: Missing Madinah


Kau masih tersenyum mengubat lara
Selindung derita yang kau rasa
Senyuman yang mententeramkan
Setiap insan yang kebimbangan

Hakikatnya, tak tertanggung lagi derita
Di pangkuan isterimu Humaira
Menunggu saat ketikanya
Diangkat rohmu bertemu Yang Esa

Tangan dicelup di bejana air
Kau sapu di muka mengurangkan pedih
Beralun zikir menutur kasih
Pada umat dan akhirat

Dan tibalah waktu ajal bertamu
Penuh ketenangan jiwamu berlalu
Linangan air mata syahdu
Iringi pemergianmu

Oh sukarnya untuk umat menerima
Bahkan payah untuk Umar mempercaya
Tetapi iman merelakan jua
Bahawa manusia akan mati akhirnya

Tak terlafaz kata mengungkap hiba
Gerhanalah seluruh semesta
Walaupun kau telah tiada
Bersemarak cintamu selamanya

Ya Rasulallah
Kau tinggalkan kami warisan yang abadi
Dan bersaksilah sesungguhnya
Kami merinduimu

(In Team: Pemergianmu).
Kindly search for it, you may shed some droplets.

03 January 2015

Page 2 of 365: Wallpaper hunt


It's my brother-in-law's birthday! They live 5-min-drive away from us so they came in the afternoon to have their late breakfast over here. They have been browsing and searching for new wallpapers which are under the anniversary promotion by this one merchant. Merchant lah sangat 😂

So while they were browsing, I entertained the two girls. Look! Alya the big sister told me to capture some photos of her "beramah mesra" with her baby sister. This is one of them.

Early in the afternoon, GDex finally came and delivered my Nike Roshe Run Hyperfuse which I bought from Zalora. It's been a looooong wait and my mother had been contacting them everyday to urge the delivery process. 

I didn't know.. I feel like returning them 'cause they're not what I thought they are. But I love the colour hehehe. I'm still deciding, I just don't really fancy its thin toebox area. I thought it's thick. But nevermind. I have few weeks to decide.

Moving on (or going back) to the wallpapers story... We left home about 5 and apparently the store was so big, nice, clean and FULL OF PEOPLE. They're having a massive sale! The wallpaper is freeeeeeee and customers need to only pay for the installation. That's why it's not surprising that we'll only get it installed-----3 months from today. They have a very long waiting list. 

I kinda love this pattern. And it's for my bedroom :)

01 January 2015

Page 1 of 365: New year's resolution?


New year's resolutions.
I don't usually have any, in fact, have never had one. But look, I can try. It could probably help to motivate and keep me focused. So let's figure out what I can do better beginning this year :)

1) Believe, be patient, be steadfast, be prospered.
“Believers, be patient; outdo others in patience; remain resolute; and be mindful of Allah, in order that you may succeed.” [Qur’an, 3.200]

Tafsir al-Jalalayn:

O you who believe, be patient, in [performing] acts of obedience, in the face of afflictions and in refraining from acts of disobedience, and vie in patience, with the disbelievers, lest they be more patient than you; be steadfast, persist in the struggle; fear God, in all of your circumstances, so that you will prosper, [so that] you will win [(f: the Pleasure of Allah and) admittance to] Paradise and be delivered from the Fire.

2) Save money for the future and for umrah again.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “From one ‘umrah to another is an expiation for whatever (sins) come between them, and an accepted Hajj brings no less a reward than Paradise.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1773; Muslim, 1349. 

3) Be more generous.
"And whatsoever you spend of anything (in Allah's Cause), He will replace it.'' (34:39)

4) Be fit and healthy.
I'd eat less rice (those who know me must know that this is perhaps the hardest mission!). Also, I wish to live a healthy lifestyle and by this I mean, to jog at least ONCE a week. Uhm..... that sounds challenging. May I promise, ONCE a month? Yeay of course I may. I hope to lose some inches and kgs.

5) Be friendlier, less social awkwardness.
No further explanation needed.

6) Keep scoring A's in every final grade.

7) Do more charity, be involved in more societies and activities.

8) Spend more time studying (academic resources) and reading for pleasure.

9) Move on from whatever things that stop me. Let go of the past. Keep going. Free myself from the memories. God this is hard.

10) Be more feminine, ladylike, modest, soft spoken.

11) Write one entry per day. HAHAHAHAHA.

Alright, we'll see.. 365 days from now. How many of these would be achieved! How many pages are actually written. Which one of them makes the most wonderful chapter.