13 October 2015

Page 286 of 365: Gets melancholic

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You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
Before you

12 October 2015

Page 284 of 365: I don't (for 11th)

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I may look like I care but in the actual fact, I don't. I hope people can not act like they are playing hard to get. I mean like, who are trying to get you anyway? Stop acting like someone is fishing your attention.

11 October 2015

Page 283 of 365: Messed up (for 10th)

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Yesterday was an awful day. I felt awful all day. I stayed at home while the sun was majestic. I didn't feel bad for staying at home. I felt bad because it felt as if the neurones in my brain got tangled up. I planned to stay at home because I've spent a whole day outside the day before. Plus, I thought I should work on my assignment which is due this Monday.

I don't know what went wrong but yesterday was a waste. If I knew I couldn't focus, I would have gone out and cried my heart out. I just felt like screaming and wished things would be better.

They didn't.

Today I woke up and tried to feel more energetic and spirited. I did. By 12 pm, I managed to finish all the chores. Then I attempted to start with my assignment. Oh, wrong. This entry is about yesterday. I'll write a new one for today.

Taa.

09 October 2015

Page 282 of 365: Shine bright like Wellington

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I'm writing this from Cuba St. It's my third time here in 3 days straight. I do not know what I'm looking for at this place but this bench isn't like any other seats.

I had a sleepless night last night due to working on my assignment which is due 10 mins from now (5pm) but I've submitted it by lunch time today.

Tania came last night, but she spent last night at Salsabil. I worked on my assignment overnight so that I could finish early and got to see her today. I did.

I met her at my uni library and after submitting my assignment, we walked down to town and had lunch at Cinta. We then rushed to Botanic Garden and took many beautiful photos of the flowers (and ugly photos of us). We were there for less than an hour before Niena and Farzana fetched her.

I then took a bus to town again and randomly (because it's unplanned) made my way to the waterfront. The weather was great, and still is up to the moment I'm writing this. It's still cold, though, with clear skies.

There are so many people out in town now. The harbour was full of people, the streets are still busy, and here at this spot where I'm sitting, (let me count).. 31 people passed by in 1 minute.

I saw 4 familiar faces; they're some Malaysian girls. There's a violinist playing his tunes. I'm unsure if I should stay here any longer or should I go back home already. The night market is opening now, just like on any other Friday nights (5pm- 11pm).

I love this city. I feel peace living in it. I love the fact that I can always rely on nature to make me calm whenever wherever in Wellington. Wellington is nature. I live in nature. I need to go nowhere else.

My flatmate just called me. She asked if I wanna go shopping with her. I said yes, so I've got to go now. I'll edit and update this entry with photos that I took today.

P.s: still missing what doesn't miss me.

P.p.s: I didn't block anyone on Facebook or Twitter. I deactivated my accounts.

07 October 2015

Page 280 of 365: Emotional

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I realize that I've been quite emotional this week for the reasons that I myself know not of.

---

There was a dove that fell into a bucket of black paint. She sank deep into the liquid. Her feathers were not waterproof hence they absorbed all the blackness that was there. This black paint apparently did not only change the colour of her feathers, but also her heart. The black dove now turned crude. She lost her self. She became a crow. She got confused of who she was.

One day, she wanted to regain her old self. She wanted to meet another bird who she thought would change her life. She waited for the bird in coldness. She sent a message in a bottle to let the other bird know that she was meeting him.

The other bird did not turn up. The black dove cried. Her tears washed away the blackness where the tears rolled down. The black dove was surprised. She realized that she would only gain her genteelness again once she got more sincere tears of love and sorrow to shower her.

She went home and wept. She collected her tears but this time, it did not wash the blackness away. She wondered why. Maybe she still needed the other bird to cry over her.

06 October 2015

Page 279 of 365: relieved and happy (EDITED)

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These emotions in the title are not about the same issue. The former is about someone from the past and the latter is about someone in the present.


Firstly I am relieved that I have collected so much courage to ask and get the answer to my 6-year-old nightmare. For the whole time not knowing the reason, it's not easy for me to move forward. Of course I had let it go long time ago, but there's an unsettled issue that kinda kept holding me back and made it painful every time I turned my head around and looked back to 6 years ago. All in all, everything is done and gone now, I'm relieved because I need to wonder no more.

Secondly, I am wide awake at this hour because I just had a dream of you again. Happy? Maybe. You keep appearing in my dreams. Does it mean I can safely say "you're my dream" because you literally are in my dreams. It's only yesterday that I didn't dream of you-- I dreamed of him from 6 years ago instead (so that's why I settled things between us). But you, hey what are you doing? Why are you only in my dreams. Does this sort of mean that your place is only in my sweet dreams and not in my reality? Ahhhh probably because it's just me who's dreaming of you. Plus a dream can mean nothing. Probably I should stop imagining that this is not one-sided.

--

I should stop overthinking. Perhaps all that I think is nothing, and means nothing.

05 October 2015

Day 278 of 365: Contemplating life

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I am somehow sometimes disturbed by my ever-changing decisions. Isn't it ironic? Kinda an oxymoron when you put decisions next to ever-changing. Well someone told me 6 years ago, time has a way of changing things. Probably my version of time changes things too quickly.

Who is not tired of fighting his own heart? (His there is a neuter pronoun for indefinite third person singular pronoun-- so it does not necessarily refer to a man. It can refer to an undefined person.)

One moment I am firm, confident and at peace. That's when my mind and my heart agree with each other. The next moment, I am vulnerable, indecisive and scared. That's when my mind and my heart try to convince me but their arguments are conflicting.

It's hard you know. The situation stops you from functioning optimally. Whatever you're doing, the battle occurs inside of you. Sometimes your mouth is just tired of being the middle person between your heart and your brain. That's why, sometimes the mouth suggests you say everything you want to say. Let it all out, for once!

But again, whose order would the mouth follow? Heart tells yes, brain tells no.

Can I just split myself into two? I've been doing well keeping the battle under control. I've been avoiding damages that I could cause if I followed my heart entirely, and if I followed my brain entirely. I've been taking points from both heart and brain. I do a bit of following the heart and following the brain. That's when subtle signs are given.

The heart says: express yourself.
The brain says: keep it to yourself.

So I expressed myself a little and kept it to myself a little. I brought out my feelings and I reserved a little for myself. It's like you want people to know but you don't want to tell them.

And then you're breaking inside because you are afraid you lose the chance to choose your own happiness while considering other people's happiness. And you're breaking inside because you are dying to follow your heart but then your heart itself isn't that determined.

04 October 2015

Lost count: Are you reading?

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Hi, are you reading this?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone reads my blog. But the statistics said yes there are people reading. I don't mind about others but you. Are you reading this? Tell me if you do. Tell me if you read my blog. Tell me if you're concerned and interested in what I have to say.

I dreamed of someone last night. This person has been living in my dreams for quite a while. I don't know if this person means too much to me that he/she keeps making an appearance in my sleep and if this person does, do I mean so much to this person too?

Isn't life hard? Isn't making decisions hard? Isn't being truthful to yourself and your feelings hard? Isn't expressing your feelings hard? Isn't keeping things inside hard? Isn't wondering about other people's feelings hard? Isn't moving on when you haven't even had anything hard?