05 October 2015

Day 278 of 365: Contemplating life

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I am somehow sometimes disturbed by my ever-changing decisions. Isn't it ironic? Kinda an oxymoron when you put decisions next to ever-changing. Well someone told me 6 years ago, time has a way of changing things. Probably my version of time changes things too quickly.

Who is not tired of fighting his own heart? (His there is a neuter pronoun for indefinite third person singular pronoun-- so it does not necessarily refer to a man. It can refer to an undefined person.)

One moment I am firm, confident and at peace. That's when my mind and my heart agree with each other. The next moment, I am vulnerable, indecisive and scared. That's when my mind and my heart try to convince me but their arguments are conflicting.

It's hard you know. The situation stops you from functioning optimally. Whatever you're doing, the battle occurs inside of you. Sometimes your mouth is just tired of being the middle person between your heart and your brain. That's why, sometimes the mouth suggests you say everything you want to say. Let it all out, for once!

But again, whose order would the mouth follow? Heart tells yes, brain tells no.

Can I just split myself into two? I've been doing well keeping the battle under control. I've been avoiding damages that I could cause if I followed my heart entirely, and if I followed my brain entirely. I've been taking points from both heart and brain. I do a bit of following the heart and following the brain. That's when subtle signs are given.

The heart says: express yourself.
The brain says: keep it to yourself.

So I expressed myself a little and kept it to myself a little. I brought out my feelings and I reserved a little for myself. It's like you want people to know but you don't want to tell them.

And then you're breaking inside because you are afraid you lose the chance to choose your own happiness while considering other people's happiness. And you're breaking inside because you are dying to follow your heart but then your heart itself isn't that determined.

8 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Interesting how an anonymous left a smiley on a blog post of mine. I wish I knew who you are :-)

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  2. l lived in subang jaya.

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    1. Now I wish I had the demographic details of the entire population of Malaysia lol jk.

      Are we thousands of kilometres away (like you're in MY) or are we not that far apart? Okay of course you're not gonna tell :( , if you wanted you wouldn't have commented as an anonymous.

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    2. hahha, why you are so adorable eh?

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    3. Wait, are you a different anonymous or are you the same anonymous who lived in Subang Jaya hahaha I'm confused now. Oh btw I'm flattered hehehe thanks.

      Well.. You should consider creating your identity like an initial or a pseudonym or something so that whenever I get comments from anonymous, I won't think they are all from the anonymous who lived in Subang Jaya :-)

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    4. i have noticed that u already have bf, so im just keep being anonymous to show that how frustrated i am, haha

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    5. Oh so you anonymous is having a hard time expressing yourself as well? Do what I did.

      "So I expressed myself a little and kept it to myself a little. I brought out my feelings and I reserved a little for myself. It's like you want people to know but you don't want to tell them."

      How long have we known each other, by the way?

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