I am dying.
30 August 2016
It's been a long time since I last wrote here. I didn't know what to write and when to write or should I write or should I not.
To be honest, there are so many things that happened in the past month. August definitely is a month to remember. Things happened. Bad and good, both did.
I've been on a roller coaster, it was an adventurous ride throughout this month. I've been up and down, I've been high and low. Sometimes ups and downs happened within a day, sometimes every other day.
Feelings are mysterious. People are mysterious. Love works mysteriously. Your heart is unpredictable.
There are a few major events that happened to me in this month. They occurred simultaneously, they happened at all once. That's why, at one point, I could be very cheerful and in the next minute, I could turn miserable.
This is the first time in my life that I could not tell people what my problems are. This is the first time I have to deal with my issues all alone by myself. I could not tell people. I could not share with anyone. This is not the kind of problem that people can offer advice to.
This is the first time in my life that such an experience ever happened to me. I never saw it coming. I wasn't prepared for this experience. It was a confusing phase yet an exciting one. Most of the time, I spent time thinking this over. Am I doing the right thing? You know what's hard? When you know all the answers to your questions but you just could not do anything about it. You're so powerless when your heart is too powerful. I've been trying to get away from this but that's just not easy.
Easier said than done, that's what I really am feeling right now. I wish I was stronger to run away, I wish I was not in this situation, I wish my life was not this complicated. You know what? I've been listening to the music almost everyday for the past few weeks. Do you know what does it mean? My life is fuddled. Music is not my thing but when I do listen to music, it means that I can relate to the songs.
So many questions keep coming to me.
What do you want?
How do you see it ending?
Happy ending? Sad ending?
What would you do when it ends?
Can you deal with the ending?
Is there an ending, even?
Is there a beginning to begin with?
Are you in this together?
Are you in this alone?
How much would you sacrifice for this?
Are you even willing to?
Is the sacrifice worth it?
Is this worth fighting for?
How much are you willing to give away?
Is that even possible?
If it is, would you want it to be?
If it isn't, when should you learn to stop or slow it down?
Are you sure with what you wish for?
Have you been thinking it through?
How sure are you that you're not in this alone?
Would your heart break into pieces if it's not meant to be?
Are you prepared to leave this?
Are you prepared to let it go?
Are you prepared to accept that this is temporary?
I've got class in 10 minutes. Maybe I shall continue writing later. Or not, I'm not sure.
06 May 2016
I don't really have anything specific to talk about. I'm just wondering what I would be in the future. Where would I be? I'm kinda seeing myself travelling a lot, moving a lot, seeing people a lot. Since I was small, I've had this dream to work abroad, to represent Malaysia, to be someone significant, to make Malaysia proud and stuff.
Now that I'm approaching my final days in New Zealand, I'm starting to wonder. Where is my destination next? Yes I'll be doing teaching practicum for a few months following my homecoming but then in 2017, what would I do, where would I be? I'm kinda picturing myself still studying in New Zealand though haha I hope it's gonna be true because my heart is so attached to this country till I can't see myself not living in it.
By the way, the fact that there are people reading this blog kinda keeps me going. Receiving comments on my blog post seems to motivate me to write. I used to think that no one reads my blog anymore since blogspot days are long over. People no longer fancy blogging and blogreading that much. Instagram is the new thing!
02 May 2016
Last night I had a dream. There were many stories in my dream but what I'm about to tell here is what matters most.
My mother handed me a flight ticket. Flight ticket, oh wow. I was surprised. Guess where the tickets would bring me to?
I hope that's a sign. I hope it's gonna be real, soon.
01 May 2016
I'm 24 years old. I am still studying for my undergraduate courses. Most of my friends have already graduated, some are now postgraduates, some are engaged, many are married, many are working, and some are already a parent.
It touches my heart. I feel like I'm losing the race. No, I'm not in rush. I'm not competing with anyone. It's a metaphor. Do you know the feeling when you're racing on some 200m track, you're way way way behind and you can see so many people are ahead of you like you can't even move your legs and feet anymore because no matter what you do, you'll never pass them?
Life is never a race. Our life is not a running track, but if I could compare them, I'd say that finishing school equals to the starting point of the track. That's where we equally start racing. We run and race until we reach our teammates and pass the baton. Okay we're in a relay race. So the moment we pass the baton is when we achieve something in life e.g graduating, getting engaged, getting married, having a child. Why is passing the baton comparable to achieving something? That's because when you graduate, it ends your struggle in studies. When you get married, you're reaching the point that every person in love is aiming towards. These are all celebrations. These are the times when you can finally feel a bit of relief after fighting against all challenges. That's what you feel when you finally pass the baton, right? Some took 3 years after school, some took 4 years and so on to graduate, get married etc.
Well imagine me. I've left school for almost 7 years. SEVEN. Where am I? Still running, haven't passed the baton yet uh-oh...(while some other teams might have already passed the baton twice, thrice...)
I haven't achieved anything in terms of study and love life.
This thought that I'm rambling about just came about. It's not like I've been feeling this glum since forever. It just happens sometimes.
I envy them. I always wish that my time would come soon. Envy is not to be confused with 'jealous'. Sometimes this bring tears to my eyes. Seeing people getting married.. sometimes it gets more sentimental when the couple is my schoolmates. The people whose love story I've heard since more than 7 years ago. The people who I exchanged my love story with. The people who were with me having our high school sweethearts. These were the people who were in the same boat as I was. These people are married, to their high school sweetheart. Me? The 'sweetheart' has turned into 'sweet memory' (haha) and no I'm not married. Not even engaged.
You know sometimes I feel like I want to avoid my schoolmates because it burns my ears listening to these flashbacks they're talking about.. flashbacks to the time when everything was very sweet, we were very young, we were naive and we were happy.. No don't get me wrong. It's more like "Ouch I can't join this flashback moment, it hurts me" not like "Damn these people are annoying, can they not talk about school anymore!". See the difference? I love actually chatting about school, reminiscing our good times. It just breaks my heart seeing these high school couples get married. It ends well for them, but not me. That's when I start comparing my life with them, start having 'what-if' thoughts. What if this didn't happen, what if that didn't happen, what if this happened instead of that, and so on.
Sometimes I even thought of not inviting any school friends to my wedding (if I do get married). That's because I rarely see my schoolmates because I'm abroad. Most of my last and final memories with them are about high school. So when I see them, the only things I could recall and talk about would be school. How could I ever run away from the past?
Well maybe others are running a 4x100m relay race, while I, am running my very own marathon.
01 March 2016
Yesterday was my first day back to uni for this semester, the last semester for me as an undergraduate student at Victoria University of Wellington. I didn't know what the feeling is called but I know I wanted time to stop.
Today is the first day of autumn. Summer is finally gone. It's started to get chilly again.
I want time to stop. Please.
26 January 2016
Okay I know I am no blog star but I was very interested when I came across this one tutorial on how to put blog post view count. It's kinda embarrassing though because I just put it and it'll surely show my post view count as 0 haha it's like you'll know if there are people reading your writing or you're just pathetically talking to yourself!