01 May 2016

Page 122 of 366: Envy

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I'm 24 years old. I am still studying for my undergraduate courses. Most of my friends have already graduated, some are now postgraduates, some are engaged, many are married, many are working, and some are already a parent.

It touches my heart. I feel like I'm losing the race. No, I'm not in rush. I'm not competing with anyone. It's a metaphor. Do you know the feeling when you're racing on some 200m track, you're way way way behind and you can see so many people are ahead of you like you can't even move your legs and feet anymore because no matter what you do, you'll never pass them?

Life is never a race. Our life is not a running track, but if I could compare them, I'd say that finishing school equals to the starting point of the track. That's where we equally start racing. We run and race until we reach our teammates and pass the baton. Okay we're in a relay race. So the moment we pass the baton is when we achieve something in life e.g graduating, getting engaged, getting married, having a child. Why is passing the baton comparable to achieving something? That's because when you graduate, it ends your struggle in studies. When you get married, you're reaching the point that every person in love is aiming towards. These are all celebrations. These are the times when you can finally feel a bit of relief after fighting against all challenges. That's what you feel when you finally pass the baton, right? Some took 3 years after school, some took 4 years and so on to graduate, get married etc.

Well imagine me. I've left school for almost 7 years. SEVEN. Where am I? Still running, haven't passed the baton yet uh-oh...(while some other teams might have already passed the baton twice, thrice...)

I haven't achieved anything in terms of study and love life.

This thought that I'm rambling about just came about. It's not like I've been feeling this glum since forever. It just happens sometimes.

I envy them. I always wish that my time would come soon. Envy is not to be confused with 'jealous'. Sometimes this bring tears to my eyes. Seeing people getting married.. sometimes it gets more sentimental when the couple is my schoolmates. The people whose love story I've heard since more than 7 years ago. The people who I exchanged my love story with. The people who were with me having our high school sweethearts. These were the people who were in the same boat as I was. These people are married, to their high school sweetheart. Me? The 'sweetheart' has turned into 'sweet memory' (haha) and no I'm not married. Not even engaged.

You know sometimes I feel like I want to avoid my schoolmates because it burns my ears listening to these flashbacks they're talking about.. flashbacks to the time when everything was very sweet, we were very young, we were naive and we were happy.. No don't get me wrong. It's more like "Ouch I can't join this flashback moment, it hurts me" not like "Damn these people are annoying, can they not talk about school anymore!". See the difference? I love actually chatting about school, reminiscing our good times. It just breaks my heart seeing these high school couples get married. It ends well for them, but not me. That's when I start comparing my life with them, start having 'what-if' thoughts. What if this didn't happen, what if that didn't happen, what if this happened instead of that, and so on.

Sometimes I even thought of not inviting any school friends to my wedding (if I do get married). That's because I rarely see my schoolmates because I'm abroad. Most of my last and final memories with them are about high school. So when I see them, the only things I could recall and talk about would be school. How could I ever run away from the past?

Well maybe others are running a 4x100m relay race, while I, am running my very own marathon.


1 comment:

  1. you are like ivy league type of girl for any average joe like me, who wants to date/get know you. He thinks he dont stand a chance, hence shy away from takin a shot. hes kinda hate rejection too. though hes happy whatever makes you happy even at the extent of you ended up with someone els

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