30 August 2016

Page 243 of 365: Infinite


It's been a long time since I last wrote here. I didn't know what to write and when to write or should I write or should I not.

To be honest, there are so many things that happened in the past month. August definitely is a month to remember. Things happened. Bad and good, both did.

I've been on a roller coaster, it was an adventurous ride throughout this month. I've been up and down, I've been high and low. Sometimes ups and downs happened within a day, sometimes every other day.

Feelings are mysterious. People are mysterious. Love works mysteriously. Your heart is unpredictable.

There are a few major events that happened to me in this month. They occurred simultaneously, they happened at all once. That's why, at one point, I could be very cheerful and in the next minute, I could turn miserable.

This is the first time in my life that I could not tell people what my problems are. This is the first time I have to deal with my issues all alone by myself. I could not tell people. I could not share with anyone. This is not the kind of problem that people can offer advice to.

This is the first time in my life that such an experience ever happened to me. I never saw it coming. I wasn't prepared for this experience. It was a confusing phase yet an exciting one. Most of the time, I spent time thinking this over. Am I doing the right thing? You know what's hard? When you know all the answers to your questions but you just could not do anything about it. You're so powerless when your heart is too powerful. I've been trying to get away from this but that's just not easy.

Easier said than done, that's what I really am feeling right now. I wish I was stronger to run away, I wish I was not in this situation, I wish my life was not this complicated. You know what? I've been listening to the music almost everyday for the past few weeks. Do you know what does it mean? My life is fuddled. Music is not my thing but when I do listen to music, it means that I can relate to the songs.

So many questions keep coming to me.

What do you want?
How do you see it ending?
Happy ending? Sad ending?
What would you do when it ends?
Can you deal with the ending?
Is there an ending, even?
Is there a beginning to begin with?
Are you in this together?
Are you in this alone?
How much would you sacrifice for this?
Are you even willing to?
Is the sacrifice worth it?
Is this worth fighting for?
How much are you willing to give away?
Is that even possible?
If it is, would you want it to be?
If it isn't, when should you learn to stop or slow it down?
Are you sure with what you wish for?
Have you been thinking it through?
How sure are you that you're not in this alone?
Would your heart break into pieces if it's not meant to be?
Are you prepared to leave this?
Are you prepared to let it go?
Are you prepared to accept that this is temporary?

I've got class in 10 minutes. Maybe I shall continue writing later. Or not, I'm not sure.