01 August 2017



I have not been well these past months. I seem okay if you judge from the outside, but inside, it's dark. I see no light. Everything around me is just too overwhelming. Things are taking over my time, my mind, my soul, my body, my life.

Every new day is depressing. Waking up to a new day feels like climbing a mountain. The push that I need to keep me moving has vanished. Nothing motivates me anymore. I wish the Earth stopped spinning with me.

I can hardly sleep these days. Last night I fell asleep about 4 am. My head felt like exploding, my eyes were shut but my mind was wandering to dark places. I woke up feeling dizzy and unmotivated. The piles of reading materials waiting for me to touch them were sickening. I couldn't attend to them when I could hardly take care of myself.

I tried to talk to people. I like talking and spending time with people. They make me forget the dark clouds and thunders and the storms. They distract me from remembering things that are dragging me down. That's what makes me confused. I am feeling sad most days and there are days when I feel happy. The ups and downs of my emotions kinda made me question my sanity.

I knew I might need help. But then I thought I'd just fight it myself. I had a good support system, yeah had. Just like everyone, the person grows tired of me. My emotional roller coaster is just another bad mood to them. They stopped being helpful. All I care about is myself- they said.

Of course, all I care about right now is keeping myself alive. I need to pick up the broken pieces of myself. How could I be there for anyone else when I can't even get myself to eat, sleep, shower, study.

Maybe this road is meant for me, and only me. This dark alley is for me to walk through without anyone else. Even the person I thought would be there, couldn't.

I hope this phase will be over soon. I'm losing myself. I don't know who I am anymore.

25 April 2017

Easter/ mid term/ ANZAC break



14 February 2017

Life ain't easy


As cliched as it may sound, I can really relate to the statement right at this moment.

I know.. when we express our hardships and things that have been bothering us, we'd typically get reactions like "there are people out there whose life is so much worse than yours". I have no objection. That's true, but it also does not make our hardships and challenges untrue. There is no fixed scale to measure one's struggles. It's very subjective to the perceivers' personal judgement. Some might feel more relatable and empathic towards someone's financial struggles, some might pity those who struggle to get a child, some hearts might go to those whose family members are killed. There are a lot life struggles in the world and we don't need to make it a competition of who struggles the most.

We have all heard that 'kesenangan dan kesusahan, kedua-duanya adalah ujian'. I'd be lying if I said I have never questioned the statement. Like, how could money, houses, intelligence, beauty etc be a test?

Now I get it. Here's a little background to my story.

Last December, I've graduated with Bachelor of Education (TESOL) from Victoria University of Wellington. I graduated as the best student with the highest GPA in the graduating cohort of my degree in 2016. On the same day of my graduation, I received an email advising me that I was/am the recipient of the 2017 Linguistics Honours Scholarship. There is only one recipient annually. I was indeed proud and happy. The next thing I did when I came home (Malaysia) was pay a visit to MARA HQ in KL and submit my application to further my studies for another year. The university scholarship would cover a part of my tuition fees and I still need MARA to fund my studies and stay in New Zealand.

After over a month, I received the then awaited news. MARA would sponsor me (or technically loan me). Well a little background about MARA sponsorship. Basically they would sponsor 90% of the cost and we're going to repay the minimum of 10% (depending on the final GPA). But my case is different as I'm studying education so students under education programmes are not required to repay in currency and instead, repay in service. We'd work for 5 years at MRSM. If we're not hired, the repayment method would be like the one that I mentioned earlier.

So back to the story..

Uni is starting soon, about 2-3 weeks from now. Problem is, I'm indecisive. I'm not sure if I want to do this. I'm reluctant to accept the offer. I feel like it's gonna be a very huge challenge if I were to go there alone. I mean there are Malaysian students but they're not of my course of study. They're studying other fields. The situation was different in the past 4 years when I did my undergraduate study because I had my friends of the same field. We went to the same classes. If I were to go this time, I'd be on my own.

I'm running out of time but I just can't decide. My parents have been asking me when I'm going to renew my passport and visa and stuff. Yea I haven't done anything to go to New Zealand because I haven't decided if I want that. The most important reason that makes me feel like staying is the person who has been with me in New Zealand isn't going to be there anymore. This person decided to not further their study in New Zealand and to study locally instead.

I don't know man. I'm so puzzled. These days I keep seeing people of my age getting married, giving birth, going on their honeymoon and all but me, I'm stuck in this phase of my life. At the age of 25, I'm still struggling with issues like this. I can't even see myself getting married anytime soon so don't bother asking :( I wish I knew the answer to that question. I want to get married, but the situation isn't convenient for me, for us. Sometimes people simply say "you've got everything, just get married already" without knowing that there are plenty of reasons for other people not to get married.

Everyone's road is different.
Probably my road is longer.
But I hate that my road is longer.

27 January 2017

Back to blogging



I feel like I've not been myself lately. By lately I mean for a few months. There were a lot of things that I wanted to share with people but I was too lazy to keep people updated. I haven't even uploaded the photos of my graduation day on Facebook. I mean I did, but those were imported from Instagram. I typically would create a Facebook album for significant events that happened in my life, or at least, would upload several photos of them.

I've been active on Twitter lately whereas my Facebook has been active on and off; I've deactivated my Facebook account several times in the past half a year due to my inability to cope with the content. I didn't have much patience for ignorance. Well probably I'll start being active with Blogspot again.