14 February 2017

Life ain't easy


As cliched as it may sound, I can really relate to the statement right at this moment.

I know.. when we express our hardships and things that have been bothering us, we'd typically get reactions like "there are people out there whose life is so much worse than yours". I have no objection. That's true, but it also does not make our hardships and challenges untrue. There is no fixed scale to measure one's struggles. It's very subjective to the perceivers' personal judgement. Some might feel more relatable and empathic towards someone's financial struggles, some might pity those who struggle to get a child, some hearts might go to those whose family members are killed. There are a lot life struggles in the world and we don't need to make it a competition of who struggles the most.

We have all heard that 'kesenangan dan kesusahan, kedua-duanya adalah ujian'. I'd be lying if I said I have never questioned the statement. Like, how could money, houses, intelligence, beauty etc be a test?

Now I get it. Here's a little background to my story.

Last December, I've graduated with Bachelor of Education (TESOL) from Victoria University of Wellington. I graduated as the best student with the highest GPA in the graduating cohort of my degree in 2016. On the same day of my graduation, I received an email advising me that I was/am the recipient of the 2017 Linguistics Honours Scholarship. There is only one recipient annually. I was indeed proud and happy. The next thing I did when I came home (Malaysia) was pay a visit to MARA HQ in KL and submit my application to further my studies for another year. The university scholarship would cover a part of my tuition fees and I still need MARA to fund my studies and stay in New Zealand.

After over a month, I received the then awaited news. MARA would sponsor me (or technically loan me). Well a little background about MARA sponsorship. Basically they would sponsor 90% of the cost and we're going to repay the minimum of 10% (depending on the final GPA). But my case is different as I'm studying education so students under education programmes are not required to repay in currency and instead, repay in service. We'd work for 5 years at MRSM. If we're not hired, the repayment method would be like the one that I mentioned earlier.

So back to the story..

Uni is starting soon, about 2-3 weeks from now. Problem is, I'm indecisive. I'm not sure if I want to do this. I'm reluctant to accept the offer. I feel like it's gonna be a very huge challenge if I were to go there alone. I mean there are Malaysian students but they're not of my course of study. They're studying other fields. The situation was different in the past 4 years when I did my undergraduate study because I had my friends of the same field. We went to the same classes. If I were to go this time, I'd be on my own.

I'm running out of time but I just can't decide. My parents have been asking me when I'm going to renew my passport and visa and stuff. Yea I haven't done anything to go to New Zealand because I haven't decided if I want that. The most important reason that makes me feel like staying is the person who has been with me in New Zealand isn't going to be there anymore. This person decided to not further their study in New Zealand and to study locally instead.

I don't know man. I'm so puzzled. These days I keep seeing people of my age getting married, giving birth, going on their honeymoon and all but me, I'm stuck in this phase of my life. At the age of 25, I'm still struggling with issues like this. I can't even see myself getting married anytime soon so don't bother asking :( I wish I knew the answer to that question. I want to get married, but the situation isn't convenient for me, for us. Sometimes people simply say "you've got everything, just get married already" without knowing that there are plenty of reasons for other people not to get married.

Everyone's road is different.
Probably my road is longer.
But I hate that my road is longer.