01 August 2017

D.

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I have not been well these past months. I seem okay if you judge from the outside, but inside, it's dark. I see no light. Everything around me is just too overwhelming. Things are taking over my time, my mind, my soul, my body, my life.

Every new day is depressing. Waking up to a new day feels like climbing a mountain. The push that I need to keep me moving has vanished. Nothing motivates me anymore. I wish the Earth stopped spinning with me.

I can hardly sleep these days. Last night I fell asleep about 4 am. My head felt like exploding, my eyes were shut but my mind was wandering to dark places. I woke up feeling dizzy and unmotivated. The piles of reading materials waiting for me to touch them were sickening. I couldn't attend to them when I could hardly take care of myself.

I tried to talk to people. I like talking and spending time with people. They make me forget the dark clouds and thunders and the storms. They distract me from remembering things that are dragging me down. That's what makes me confused. I am feeling sad most days and there are days when I feel happy. The ups and downs of my emotions kinda made me question my sanity.

I knew I might need help. But then I thought I'd just fight it myself. I had a good support system, yeah had. Just like everyone, the person grows tired of me. My emotional roller coaster is just another bad mood to them. They stopped being helpful. All I care about is myself- they said.

Of course, all I care about right now is keeping myself alive. I need to pick up the broken pieces of myself. How could I be there for anyone else when I can't even get myself to eat, sleep, shower, study.

Maybe this road is meant for me, and only me. This dark alley is for me to walk through without anyone else. Even the person I thought would be there, couldn't.

I hope this phase will be over soon. I'm losing myself. I don't know who I am anymore.

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